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That Moment When You Realize Your Significant Other Isn’t A Genius

That Moment When You Realize Your Significant Other Isn’t A Genius

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Every so often, we hear something that makes us stop in our tracks and wonder how this person could utter something so blatantly unintelligent. It’s possible they were just being cute or funny, but when it starts to become a regular occurrence, you eventually put two and two together…

Photo: Creative Commons/Joe Loong

But what do you do when the perpetrator of these less-than-bright remarks is your significant other? It may be surprising, but a while can pass before you even start to get the hint that your partner isn’t exactly a genius.

If you’ve experienced this yourself, fear not- you’re not alone. And if you’d like to commiserate, these people share some of their best stories of that moment when they realized that their significant other isn’t going to be contacted by Mensa anytime soon…

No Second Helpings

My brother brought his new girlfriend to dinner one evening with our parents. We were super excited for him–she was so sweet, and good looking too. All was going swimmingly, and we were pumped that he’d met someone who seemed so normal.

Photo: creativecommons.org/DBduo Photography

But then, she turned to our mom and asked, “Where does the sun go when it gets dark?” And no, she was not joking at all. Let’s just say we never saw that particular girlfriend at dinner again. Reddit user: CranberryMoonwalk

Johnny And Eve

I’m not exactly religious, but even I know a bit about the bible. One day, my girlfriend asked me why nobody ever talks about Johnny’s role in the Garden of Eden. Confused, I asked her what she meant, and quickly realized she thought God created Johnny Appleseed alongside Adam and Eve.

Photo: creativecommons.org/carl & tracy gossett

I mean, come on. I have no idea where she got the idea, and I didn’t stick around long enough to find out. I’m just relieved she didn’t think Harry Potter played a role in Genesis, too. Reddit user: Jayus_YT

AIDS And Seinfeld

My first boyfriend genuinely believed that all gay couples got AIDS. I think he thought it was literally produced whenever two men slept together. He freaked out, and thought we were both going to die after our first time, even though neither of us had AIDS.

Phptp: Wikimedia Commons/Common Wolf

As if that wasn’t enough, he also thought Festivus was a real holiday. He didn’t even get the joke when I showed him the Seinfeld episode where Festivus came from. That relationship did not last long after that. Reddit user: punkterminator

Survivalist Fail

I went camping with my boyfriend once, and realized that he thought campfires could only start above 32 degrees Fahrenheit. It was the middle of Winter, and he had only brought us cold food. I was livid–I mean, everyone doesn’t have to be a boy scout, but a basic understanding of fire seems like a low bar.

Photo: Pixabay/adege

He was also deathly afraid of rain because he thought it was “dirty.” There’s definitely something poetic there, but that doesn’t make it any less sad. That was not the boyfriend to go camping with, or to date, for that matter. Reddit user: watsonandhuxley

Lacking Perspective

I went on a few dates with a charming fellow. One day, we were discussing where we each lived, and he told me he lived on the left side of his street. I asked, “Left side facing which direction?” He just didn’t understand the concept.

Photo: Creative Commons/Samantha Quiñones

Eventually, I pulled out my phone, and made him point to his house on a map. Obviously, I didn’t end up going over, since understanding basic concepts like right and left is a prerequisite for being in a relationship with me. Reddit user: partfour

There’s Something In The Water

I dated a truly stunning girl for a few months. Every part of her was beautiful, except her teeth–she had more than 10 fillings, and every tooth was stained yellow. I initially felt bad for her, but then, one day, she started talking about how the government secretly puts fluoride in tap water in order to weaken our bones.

Photo: Creative Commons/Tom Raftery

She only drank bottled water, but until then, I didn’t know why. I guess she was just a conspiracy theorist or something. I was so relieved when she broke up with me a month later. In hindsight, she was pretty weird, and I think I got lucky. Reddit user: Phunkydischarge

It’s Just Sugar, Sweetie

My last girlfriend used to collect sugar packets from restaurants. When she told me about it at first, I thought it was cute, like collecting matchbooks. Much later, she showed me her collection, and every packet was the same. There weren’t logos or anything, just simple white packets.

Photo: Creative Commons/kostia

I, of course, cracked up and egged her on to try to remember which packet came from which restaurant. She couldn’t, obviously. I guess she was just a sugar hoarder. I think we ended up breaking up a week later. Reddit user: nitewake

A Bit Shifty

I dated a girl once who didn’t know what the shift key did on her computer. Turns out, she always used caps lock when she was typing. In hindsight, lots of things make more sense now, like how her texts used to include words where the first two letters were both capitalized.

Photo: creativecommons.org/sfllaw

In all truth, I’m actually still dating this one. Maybe I’m the real idiot here. Although, I have taught her some things about how to use a computer since that little occurrence. Some, she catches onto. Some, she does not. Oh well. Reddit user: TabascohFiascoh

Imaginary Kinks

I work as a nurse in a facility where patients are sometimes violent. One day, I came home with bruises on my arms and legs from a fight, and my husband accused me of cheating on him with a BDSM kinkster. I was like, “What are you even talking about?”

Photo: creativecommons.org/DFAT photo library

Not only did he not understand my job, it appears he didn’t understand kinks either. Luckily, I have a different, much less violent job now. Even more luckily, I also have a different husband. Thank god. Reddit user: sophielady

Titanic

I took a girl to see the movie Titanic when it was in theaters, thinking it would be nice and romantic. I figured everyone knew the general story, but my date got furious with me for ruining the ending when I mentioned that the ship sank.

Photo: Wikimedia Commons/AirstarInternational

How on earth do you make it that far in life without having heard of the Titanic? Like, the sinking ship is even on most of the movie posters. This was common knowledge. I really couldn’t believe it. Reddit user: armourtillo

Colorado Isn’t A Foreign Country

I went on a ski trip with my ex once. When the plane touched down in Colorado, he turned to me, and asked, “What side of the road do you think they drive on here?” He was 22, and had just graduated from college.

Photo: Creative Commons/Sam Howzit

It wasn’t even like he had lived in the same state for his whole life. I can’t tell if he didn’t know that everyone in the US drives on the right side, or if he didn’t know Colorado was in the US. Either way, I couldn’t stop laughing at him. Reddit user: IAmN0tCanadian

Cooking Fail

One day, I was driving home from work late, and I called my boyfriend to ask him to put a pot on the stove (we were having pasta for dinner). When I got home, I found a pot on the stove filled with water, salt, and soggy pasta.

Photo: Creative Commons/txinkman

Turns out, he hadn’t realized he had to actually turn the stove on. The pot was just sitting there, cold. I’m still with this lovable goof, but let’s just say, he doesn’t do much of the cooking at home. Lesson learned. Reddit user: mjcornett

Never Forget, Please

I was chatting about politics with my ex one day, and he made some comment about 9/11 being a long time ago. I replied that I agreed, but that it seemed like only yesterday when the towers fell. He was shocked, and admitted that he thought 9/11 had happened before World War I.

Photo: creativecommons.org/9/11 photos

Not only that, he thought that 9/11 was what caused World War I to start. He was in middle school in 2001. Even people who were younger at the time remember what happened. I’m not surprised we broke up soon after this exchange. Reddit user: teenyleemy

Santa Isn’t Real, But…

I watched Django one day with my boyfriend, and he got all agitated during a scene where the camera panned over a herd of reindeer. Apparently, he thought that reindeer were fake animals, and only existed in Santa myths. To top it off, he was pissed because the scene disrupted the supposed “realism” of the movie.

Photo: creativecommons.org/Zoeff

Talk about clueless. I had to explain to him that reindeer actually exist. They’re not only in the Santa myth. I suppose it could have been worse. At least he didn’t still believe Santa was real. Reddit user: vDukie

Vocabulary Lessons

I dated a woman with a kid in middle school. I remember her flipping out when her son had to learn the word “erect” for a spelling test. Apparently, she had reached the age of 40 without realizing that “erect” could be used in other contexts, if you know what I mean.

Photo: Creative Commons/Oregon Department of Agriculture

I was quite surprised at her lack of vocabulary. I wonder how many conversations she’s had in her life where she thought the other person was being lewd, and she just didn’t say anything. Oops. Reddit user: Iscariot

Breast Feeding Skeptic

On a third date, I realized that a guy didn’t believe in breast feeding. I’m not saying he thought breast feeding was bad, I mean he literally didn’t believe that breasts actually produced milk.

Photo: Creative Commons/kevindean

He then told me he thought allowing a kid to touch a mother’s breast should be illegal, because it’s creepy. I told him that I breast-fed my kid, then I stood up, and walked out. Never saw that idiot again. Reddit user: Star90s

Driving While Blind

My high school boyfriend confidently told me once that the bumps on the side of the highway are to let blind drivers know when they’re about to veer off the road. I then asked him how blind drivers used traffic lights, and I’ve never seen anyone look so confused.

Photo: Creative Commons/VTrans – Vermont Agency of Transportation

He never really wrapped his head around that one. I’m not sure how I feel about this particular ex having a driver’s license. I feel like you should have to have a base level of intelligence to operate a motor vehicle. Reddit user: That_SWFL_Life

Interplanetary Idiocy

I had a really romantic night of stargazing with my girlfriend one time. At one point, she looked up at the sky, pointed to a blue-ish star, and asked me, “Is that Earth?” I didn’t even know how to reply, so I just pretended not to hear. We had a great time for the rest of the night.

Photo: Creative Commons/slworking2

We’re no longer dating, but I’ve always wondered if she ever found out that she lived on Earth. In a way, I think it’s kind of beautiful to imagine she didn’t. I guess I dated an alien for a little while. Reddit user: RevolPeej

Fake Plants Are Hard To Take Care Of

One time, I caught my ex watering one of her fake plants. I think she read an article about how millennials love houseplants, but didn’t realize people actually grew real ones. I asked her what happened to the water after she poured it in the pot, and she just said, “It goes right through.”

Photo: creativecommons.org/V31S70

I tried to explain to her that fake plants don’t absorb any water, because they’re not alive. I don’t think she quite got it. Months after we broke up, she posted a picture of herself on Instagram, surrounded by a room full of plants. I hope she felt accomplished. Reddit user: SoBeefy

My Philanthropic Wife

I got home from work one day, and found out that the bank account I shared with my wife had been entirely drained. Turned out that she fell for one of those Nigerian prince email scams. She really believed that we were going to receive a massive windfall of gold bars, and that we only had to wait a few weeks.

Photo: creativecommons.org/Brian Giesen

To this very day, she refuses to admit she got scammed, and believes that something bad must have happened to the kind Nigerian prince who emailed her all those years ago. Luckily, other than that, she’s a wonderful human, and I’m glad to be married to her. Reddit user: [Redacted]

Bad Things Happen At Knifepoint

I was listening to the news with my girlfriend once, and a report came out about a mugging at knifepoint. She stood up in exasperation and exclaimed, “I don’t get why people keep going to ‘Knifepoint’ if muggings happen there all the time.” I cracked up and couldn’t stop laughing for a solid 15 minutes.

Photo: Flickr/elchriso5

She thought Knifepoint was a club downtime or something. I wonder if she thought Gunpoint was an even better club than Knifepoint, since the worst things tend to happen there. Poor baby. Reddit user: Fatesurge

Idiocy In Black And White

My ex actually thought human eyes couldn’t see color until the mid 20th century, and that this was why old films were always in black and white. He also thought that people moved much faster back then, since he had watched a Charlie Chaplin film once, and saw that everyone was kind of jittery.

Photo: creativecommons.org/twm1340

I had to keep myself from totally laughing in his face when I saw how serious he was. I just figured correcting this one wasn’t worth it, so I let it slide. We’re not dating anymore, thank god. Reddit user: babybopp

Voiceless Voicemail

My ex didn’t understand that voicemails were recorded right after the phone call, if no one answered. I used to get at least three messages a week that were just silence, and an exasperated sigh. I don’t think I ever got a message where he actually said something into the receiver.

Photo: Wikimedia Commons/Victorgrigas

My voicemail even said the classic prompt, “Leave a message after the tone,” but he didn’t get it. I sincerely hope he never did this at work, or with anyone who wasn’t already dating him. Bless his heart. Reddit user: vyvyan86

Alcohol Allergy

My ex girlfriend was tiny–I mean seriously tiny. She was something like 5’4″ and less than 100 lbs. She would often not eat all day, then get drunk off of a few drinks. Even now, she insists that she has some kind of alcohol allergy, instead of just admitting that she’s a lightweight.

Photo: creativecommons.org/stevendepolo

Eventually, I just decided to agree that she had an allergy in order to get her to stop going way too hard when we went out. It was a fine solution, even if a bit of a stupid one. As long as it got her to drink less, I was happy. Reddit user: gnrc

Sexism Or Stupidity

I went on a few dates with a guy who believed that women could only be nurses, not doctors. In his defense, he also thought they were the exact same job, just done by different genders. Still, he was 20 years old; he really should have known better.

Photo: creativecommons.org/www.ilmicrofono.it is

We didn’t date for very long, but I hope he met a female doctor one day. I also hope he didn’t insist on calling her a nurse. If he doesn’t learn soon, people will definitely call him out if the conversation ever comes up. Reddit user: Tri_Sara_Tops

Disney Transcends Borders

My ex visited Disneyland Paris with her family every year, and had been going since she was a child. She would tell me stories about her trips whenever she got a chance. She also seriously believed she had never been to France in her life.

Photo: creativecommons.org/Sean MacEntee

I can’t tell if she never paid attention in the cab from the airport to Disneyland, or if she thought Disneyland was some sort of independent city-state within the country of France. Either way, it was pretty stupid. Reddit user: endlesshills

Nation Of Islam

My ex boyfriend thought the Nation of Islam was the same as the Islamic State. Apparently, he actually believed that the black power movement had taken over Syria for some reason. I never got deep enough into the conversation to figure out if he thought this was a good or bad thing.

Photo: Wikimedia Commons/Mirwais Bezhan (VOA)

Some levels of ignorance just can’t be overcome. Anyone with even a minuscule level of intelligence would understand that this explanation makes absolutely no sense. I wish this homie good luck, wherever he is these days. Reddit user: LeighDief

Halloween

After I watched the movie Halloween with my girlfriend, she asked me if Halloween ever fell on Friday the 13th. I just looked at her for a while, and hoped that she would put two and two together. She didn’t, and I had to explain it to her.

Photo: creativecommons.org/kevin dooley

Talk about a facepalm. I suppose it wasn’t the stupidest thing in the world. I like to think that this one was just a fluke, and that my girl isn’t actually that dumb. Reddit user: carbonlandrover

The Celsius-Fahrenheit System

I live in the UK, and went on a date with an American once who thought the Celsius and Fahrenheit systems were the same thing. I think he believed Fahrenheit just meant hot, and Celsius just meant cold. I never really pushed him to explain the massive jump from the mid 50s in Fahrenheit to 0 in Celsius.

Photo: Needpix.com

I assumed he had just never thought about it. I’ve learned to expect that Americans don’t understand the metric system, but this was a whole new level of dumb. Hopefully, the entire country isn’t like him. Reddit user: Boscoethadog

Everlasting Virginity

My first boyfriend tried to convince me that my virginity would “regrow” within six months if we slept together. It didn’t work. I’m still not sure if he really believed it, or if he thought he was just being sly with me. Even if it was a trick, it wasn’t a very good one.

Photo: Creative Commons/osseous

I hope, for his sake (and the sake of his future girlfriends), that he was just stupid, not a manipulative boyfriend. But, at least if he is manipulative, he’s very bad at it. I didn’t fall for it for even a second. Reddit user: DCgirl1318

A Spooky Revolution

My girlfriend somehow got her history and her tall tales mixed up, and told me that the headless horseman had alerted Lexington and Concord about the march of the redcoats during the American Revolution.

Photo: creativecommons.org/Tomas Sobek

All it took was me asking her whether she believed in headless people for her to realize her mistake. Boy, she must have felt dumb. I tried not to make fun of her…too much, that is. Reddit user: DrCool2016

Mistaken Geography

My ex thought Africa was one country, and that the individual countries were states, like in the USA. I argued with her for an hour about it, but couldn’t shake her conviction. I hoped it was just ignorance, not racism, but I’m honestly not sure.

Photo: creativecommons.org/foundin_a_attic

It’s absurd that anyone could not know that Africa is a continent. I mean, it’s huge. I sent her a few articles criticizing people who homogenize Africa, and I think she’s changed her beliefs, but boy, was that unnecessarily difficult. Reddit user: AtariiXV

Eat Your Vegetables

A guy invited me out to a fancy restaurant for a date once, and then actually asked the waiter what a green bean was. He kept bothering the poor server too since, apparently, he thought that a green bean was simply a bean that was colored green, not it’s own type of vegetable.

Photo: Flickr/Alan Light

I hope this guy didn’t end up on one of those restaurant nightmare blogs, but I wouldn’t be surprised if he did. He makes a good story. I figure, at least he became a funny story that the kitchen staff now laughs about together. Reddit user: captainsaveabro

Chocolate Cows

I went for a run with my girlfriend in the countryside one day, and passed some cows. She asked me to take a picture of her next to the “chocolate milk one.” Turns out that she had believed her entire life that brown cows produced chocolate milk, and white cows produced regular milk.

Photo: creativecommons.org/ShaluSharmaBihar

And no, she was not joking in the slightest bit. I decided not to try to ask her to explain what kind of milk black and white spotted cows produced. We’re no longer dating. Whew. Reddit user: Ineedyoursway

Make Sure They Read

This one’s pretty simple, but I invited a guy back to my place one time, and he made fun of how many books I owned. When I asked him whether he read anything himself, he told me that he loved twitter, and sometimes read the news too. I asked him politely to leave.

Photo: creativecommons.org/jacqui.brown33

That guy couldn’t remember the last time he’d read an actual book. It’s great, often-forgotten advice, but it’s worth repeating: don’t sleep with them if they don’t have books at their place. Just trust me. Reddit user: deltatracer

Photosynthetic Human

I once had a guy explain to me that people could produce energy by photosynthesis if they tried hard enough. This was his plan if he ever got lost in the wilderness. I made a mental note to never go hiking with him again, since he would probably just tell me to lay in the sun and bake until I didn’t feel hungry anymore.

Photo: creativecommons.org/dmott9

At the end of our date, I stood up, and told him I was going to “leaf.” I don’t think he even got the joke. He just kept laying there under the sun. I guess he was busy… eating. Reddit user: SlytherEEn

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