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The Dumbest Excuses People Used For Cheating

The Dumbest Excuses People Used For Cheating

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Cheating. Is there ever a good excuse to cheat on someone you made a commitment to? Probably not. You want out of a relationship? End it before starting a new one. Seems like a simple solution, but the people on this list obviously didn’t get that memo and thought their actions were totally justified by their unusual excuses.

Photo: creativecommons.org/best couples

Whether you feel like your partner deserves someone better or you just don’t get along anymore, cheating isn’t the way to go when you want to break off a partnership. Unfortunately, some people didn’t have anyone around to tell them that, and they ended their relationships in some pretty outlandish ways.

From consulting a fortune teller to faking their own death and claiming they were abducted by aliens, these people really need a lesson in how to avoid the dumbest excuses on the planet.

He Couldn’t Give Up Pop-Tarts

A friend in college cheated on his girlfriend because she told him he had to stop eating Pop-Tarts to lose weight, and he didn’t know how to break up with her. When she found out, he straight up told her to her face he couldn’t give up Pop-Tarts. He literally cheated on her because they got into an argument about him eating pastries. 

Photo: creativecommons.org/JeepersMedia

I don’t know what made him think this was an excuse. I wish that was a lie; those things are way too high in calories. Reddit User: krunzuku

Not Meant for One Partner

We all have a friend or have heard from someone who has the belief that humans are not meant to have just one partner for the rest of their lives. Well, my husband cheated on me, and when he got caught, he tried to play the “humans aren’t meant to be monogamous” card. I’m like, “If you don’t believe in monogamy, why did you even marry in the first place only to cheat later? 

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You could join a free love hippies commune at any time. But that’s not what you did.” Reddit User: moderate-painting

The Toothbrush

One morning, I went to brush my teeth, and my toothbrush was wet. I found that odd, so I asked my girlfriend if she used the blue toothbrush, and she said “yeah” all casual. I said that the pink toothbrush was hers, and she played it off like she didn’t know. I suddenly realized that we had been using the same toothbrush for a few weeks, and it kind of grossed me out. 

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The next morning, I called her out, and she admitted that she slept with another guy that didn’t think she was gross. Reddit User: [redacted] 

The Threesome

A married friend of mine agreed to a threesome with hubby once. Mind you, this was one time, and both of them had always wanted to try it out. Once. He then started sleeping around with other women when she wasn’t present, claiming that she agreed to the threesome, so it’s okay and she couldn’t be mad. Sadly she stayed with him, and now they’re in an “open relationship.” 

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Meaning he can bring women home, but she can’t sleep with anyone else; that’s just for him. She’s miserable. Reddit User: [redacted] 

She Never Had Cancer

My girlfriend at the time and I were at a concert. We had a great time and had brought along her best friend…until I lost her for a bit and then caught her making out with her friend. She told me she had cancer and wanted to experience as much as she could before she died. We then broke up (of course).

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Months later she told me that a priest cured her cancer and that she wanted to get back together. She never had cancer. Reddit User: thicccdoggo 

He Didn’t Do Enough

She said that it was my fault she slept with three different guys, because I didn’t do enough for her. Yeah, paying the rent, and for her car, and going out to dinner once a week (minimum) as well as spending what time I could with her wasn’t enough, apparently. That was followed up by “well I was going to end it anyway so it’s not really cheating, we’re more like roommates I’d say.

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I was gonna suggest we just keep living together even after this.” What, just so I could pay for everything still? Reddit User: zornyan

Tinderella

“It was a mistake, I messed up. She didn’t mean anything anyway,” he said. We were intimate; he said he loved me. The next day, while I worked a 14-hour day so I had the next day off to spend with him, he went on Tinder, found a match, set up a bowling date, and took her home and had her stay the night.

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All the while, he was texting me, telling me how much he couldn’t wait to spend the next day with me. I told him I hoped he found the Tinderella of his dreams. Reddit User: BirdDog360

The Demon Inside Him

In high school, I dated this guy who was pretty mentally unstable. He claimed he had a demon inside of him, and he said that his “demon” needed to find a mate too, and it wasn’t fair for him to be stuck with me too like his “host,” my boyfriend, was. Well, I was 15 and stupid (and terrified of being dumped), so after a lot of crying and pleading for him not to cheat, I eventually gave in.

Photo: creativecommons.org/Bert Heymans

Man if I could go back in time and slap 15-year-old me. What on earth was I even thinking? Reddit User: SharpieScentedSoap

She Peed Her Pants

I caught my ex with our friend’s 18-year-old little sister on our big annual friend group vacation. We’d all been at the bonfire, and it was late, so I went to bed in our cabin. He said he’d be in soon. When an hour passed, I went looking and found them in the bathroom of her cabin. She was on the sink, pants down, and he was standing in front of her.

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I asked, “What on earth are you doing?” He responded, “Uh, she peed her pants and I was helping her.” Reddit User: ohfarts514

Boredom

I was asleep and he was apparently bored. He literally got out of bed with me, walked to an ex’s house, was intimate with her, then walked back home and got back into bed with me. Then he tried to pretend he’d been there the whole time. I wasn’t quite sure where he had gone, but I knew he had left and come back. 

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When I confronted him, he admitted everything and told me the reason was because he was bored, since I was asleep. Reddit User: Ohsojme

Kissing Isn’t Cheating

We went to different colleges, and I noticed some dude being extra friendly on her Facebook. When I confronted her about it, she basically admitted it and said, “Well, I don’t consider kissing someone else cheating.” I didn’t realize they had seen each other in person until she said that. So I asked if she’d care if I’d been flirting or making out with girls at parties, and she said, “Of course. That’d be cheating!” 

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“So, by that logic, you cheated.” She didn’t agree, and things were over fairly quickly after that. Reddit User: dunord218

She Thought He Was Someone Else

My ex told me the truth after I found out through a friend that she cheated on me. We had broken up for a week or two by then, and when it came to the “closure” conversation, I decided to ask her about it. She said she only kissed him because she thought he was someone else. She didn’t feel bad that she did it, just that it wasn’t the person she wanted it to be. Like that would have made it acceptable. 

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She kept saying, “He lied about who he was!” I was literally speechless. Who cares who he was? Reddit User: [redacted]

 I Cheated Because You Cheated

“I cheated on you because you cheated on me.” I most definitely did not cheat on him, and he knew it. He also accused me of having unprotected intimacy because apparently I’m just “trash” like that. This is while we were in the breaking up process because he cheated on me and got someone pregnant! I feel like there might have been some projection going on there. 

Photo: creativecommons.org/Mario_T_

He definitely had unprotected intimacy, with another girl, while we were dating. Who is the guilty one now? Reddit User: [redacted]

I Thought You Were Intimate With Jacob 

I was hanging out with two of my friends once, Jacob and Sarah. We got some SweetFrog (frozen yogurt) and went back to Jacob’s to hang out. My now ex boyfriend showed up at SweetFrog to see what I was doing, then showed up to Jacob’s house later that night and tried fighting Jacob, made Sarah drive my car back to her house, and made me leave with him. 

Photo: creativecommons.org/Mario_T_

It was then revealed to me that he cheated on me that same night while I was with my friends because he thought I was kissing Jacob. Reddit User: _macncheese_

This Means Nothing 

We were on a break and got back together and eventually engaged. I knew he’d been with someone over the break, but no big deal, since it was a break. Then I found out they were still doing it, and his reaction was, “I’m sorry. It means nothing.” Then he leaned in to kiss me when I started crying and looked me in my face.  

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He said, “You know this kiss means nothing too, right?” It left me pretty messed up for a while. Reddit User: Time_Traveling_Panda

You Didn’t Help Me With My Math Homework

“You were too busy to help me with math homework, and he was there for me.” I work two jobs and still take you out every weekend! I buy you gifts, I put the toilet seat down, I do housework for your parents, I remember all of the important dates, I pick up the phone at 3am when you call, I take your little brother to his hockey games, and most importantly, I love you!  

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She frowned. “When you say all that, all I can think of is how you could do all that, and not help me with my math homework.” Reddit User: AnyGivenDeus

I Wanted to Buy Some

My ex girlfriend and I moved into a new place, and a week later, I found out she was cheating on me. When one of my buddies got a message from her asking to “come party,” he immediately let me know what was going on. I confronted her, and her excuse was “my mother died of a coke addiction, and I wanted to find someone I could get some from so I could experience what she experienced.”  

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She was apparently trading intimate favors for substances. Needless to say I bounced after that. Reddit User: sonik122002

I Slipped

Got invited to one of “the popular girls'” 18th birthday parties back in the day. This bloke, let’s call him “Jeff,” cheats on his girlfriend of 1 year with a girl at this party. They did the deed in the girl’s mother’s room, which was next to the living room behind glass double doors. Everyone got an eyeful. The next morning, Jeff’s girlfriend came to the house after hearing what happened. 

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Jeff, who was still extremely drunk, tried to play it off by saying “Baby, I slipped and fell onto the girl. Reddit User: kimantor1

We Got Too Close

A co-worker said he cheated because he and his girlfriend were getting too serious and he couldn’t handle it, so he cheated on her then ghosted her. Another dude said it wasn’t cheating because he’d break up with her to sleep around, then get back with her. Yet another dude said it was okay because he had been cheated on before (not by the girl he was cheating on), so he deserved some catharsis or whatever.

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My ex said that men are not meant to be monogamous, whereas women have to be. Reddit User: methylenebluestains 

 He Gave Me Chlamydia 

He was mad at me and wanted revenge. We had a mutual friend, who I, in the remote past, had as my friend with benefits for a short period of time. He wanted to cut ties, and I refused to stop talking to the former friend with benefits because we had been friends since high school, and he was a good friend at that.  

Photo: creativecommons.org/Marion Doss

So my jealous boyfriend of over a year hooked up with someone on Craigslist and gave me chlamydia. I’m still friends with my friend, and I dropped the boyfriend like the pile of trash that he is. Reddit User: shefellohwell

It’s a Genetic Trait 

My cousin said that because his dad cheated, it was no big deal that he did. Apparently cheating runs in the family, and he believed it was a genetic trait. Thankfully he was helped to snap back to his old self, issues resolved, and the marriage didn’t end. Big kudos to his wife. Their son was a big reason they tried (successfully) to make it work. 

Photo: creativecommons.org/JoshBerglund19

It’s been like 5 years and they now have 2 kids, and I don’t think he actually believes it’s a genetic trait. Reddit User: InanimateSensation

I Was Practicing for You 

My ex had always said she didn’t want to perform certain acts with me, and I respected her wishes and didn’t really ask why. A few months later, I went on an overseas trip; when I got back, I found out from her brother that she had done those things with a close friend of mine. When I finally confronted her, she told me, “I was practicing for you.”

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We were both young and stupid, so I don’t hold it against her, but I still chuckle about the excuse. Reddit User: Davielt19

I Was Unhappy 

I recently heard this from someone else, and my ex used the same excuse: “I was unhappy in the relationship and didn’t know what to do.” Honestly, I hear this as an excuse from most people who cheat. I would never cheat, because if I don’t want to be in the relationship, I’ll just end it. While it’s still not acceptable, it’s a respectable and honest answer. 

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Also, if you are unhappy in your relationship, don’t cheat, just end it. It saves a lot of drama. Reddit User: KnowItOrBlowIt

To Prove Something 

This guy who worked with a buddy of mine cheated on his wife with his neighbor in the neighbor’s backyard, in broad daylight, in view of his house and wife, and his excuse was “she accused me of being gay, and I had to prove her wrong.” Apparently it was good enough for the wife. 

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They are still together, and the neighbors moved away soon after that. I’m not sure if it was related to that or not. Let’s say these people are just a little backwoods. Reddit User: h2o_buffalo

You Were Dancing With Another Girl

We were both in high school. She went to a different school and went to her school dance without me. I jokingly texted her that I was dancing with another girl (my dog) at home. I thought that I was being cute, and looking back on it, she was just a dummy for not getting the joke. 

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The next week she told me she cheated on me with a guy she met at the dance because I had said I was dancing with another girl. She was dumb. Reddit User: TheReviewMaster

We Haven’t Been Together in Months

My ex insisted that dating a guy while she was also dating me wasn’t actually cheating because “we hadn’t been together for months.” She claimed that we hadn’t been intimate or gone on dates in so long that we were practically not dating…which is honestly the most hilarious lie I’ve ever heard. 

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The thing is, I have nothing but proof that we were together, from texts, to date selfies, to the fact that she lived with me while she was cheating on me with him. Reddit User: dnesarumane

I Was Mad

My ex (who had cheated on me) told me that she had cheated on her current boyfriend (the guy that she cheated on me with) because he had made her angry. Don’t ask why we were messaging, I honestly don’t remember why now. Probably because she wanted attention. I’m actually glad she told me that, because I had a revelation.

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 “Oh. You’re actually not a piece of garbage. You’re a complete piece of garbage.” So it made it that much easier to get over her. Reddit User: SmartAlec105

I Had To 

“I have to do this. If you love me and want to be with me, don’t ask me what ‘this’ is.” She said this in regards to her ambivalence about the relationship. Turns out she just wanted to cheat on me in order to decide who she wanted to be with more.  

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She ended up choosing the other guy. I was young and naive and thought I was doing the right thing by not asking what the thing she told me not to ask about was. Reddit User: MrFluffPants1349

He Didn’t Visit

This boy in my high school said he cheated on his boyfriend with some local guy. The local guy was always trying to hang out with him, and I wondered if they had an ongoing thing. The boyfriend lived in another state and had to cancel his plans to visit because something came up. The boy at my school claimed it was the boyfriend’s fault for not visiting. 

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His actual boyfriend never found out, and they broke up for unrelated reasons. He was mentally unstable. I hope he got help. Reddit User: tangledlettuce

Tantric Vampire

I had a friend who genuinely believed she was a “tantric vampire.” She believed and tried to convince other people that she would die or get sick if she didn’t have intimacy. She would constantly coerce other people’s boyfriends to be intimate with her or cheat on whoever her boyfriend was at the time under the guise of “I’m a vampire! I need to do it!” 

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We’re not friends anymore. I don’t know what was more stupid, her telling people or people believing her. Reddit User: LemonFly4012

You Didn’t Care What I Did

My current guy and I broke up for a while after I discovered that he was having a texting affair online. His excuse was, “You told me you don’t care what I do.” Well, yes, but that means stuff like hanging out with your friends, buying new toys, or taking a hastily planned road trip. 

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I didn’t mean telling some chick on the other side of the country that you love her, want to do things with her, and inviting her to live in our home! Reddit User: [redacted]

I Might as Well Have Cheated

One of my good friends’ girlfriend would suspect him of cheating when he would go out of town and get mad at him for it and yell at him as if he did, and his reasoning was, “Well, if I’m going to get punished for cheating when I didn’t do it, I might as well cheat so I at least deserve it.”

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I can’t say I necessarily agree with his reasoning, but I can see where he is coming from. Their relationship had a lot of trust issues. Reddit User: devrokrae

You Wouldn’t Put Out

 It was high school, and I dated a guy for two months. I was really sick at the time and was only really talking to four or so of my best friends. One day I found out that he was sleeping with all four, and two of them knew we were dating. His excuse was, “Well it’s bad for a guy’s health to go without intimacy, and you wouldn’t put out. What was I supposed to do?” 

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Guy was an abusive piece of trash, and so were those friends. I’ve got a much better circle now. Reddit User: mmbahcat

Not Cheating If We Didn’t Touch

A friend had a new relationship for like a month at that moment. He then got a new job where some girl would flirt with him, invite him over, and stuff like that. He talked to me and asked if it was okay because, “It’s not cheating on the relationship, as our privates didn’t touch yet, right?” 

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I was speechless. Then I proceeded to explain that what he said was a big pile of nonsense and that I wouldn’t ever take him seriously again if he did this. He didn’t do it in the end. Reddit User: programmike

I Was Doing Laundry in a Skirt

My best friend’s long-term girlfriend got caught cheating. It was her first semester in college in the shared laundry room with a guy on her floor. She said it was laundry day, so she was wearing a skirt without underwear, and she fell on the guy’s lap and “it just slipped in.” I wish I were making this up, but I was there to hear the actual excuse.

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He took her back. No surprise she cheated again and again before finally leaving him for another guy. Reddit User: wintermute-rising

They’re Just for Intimacy

My roommate in the 1st semester of my freshman year in college was cheating on his girlfriend regularly, but was claiming that he loved his girlfriend. When I confronted him about it, he said, “My girlfriend is the one to marry, but the others are just for intimacy.” And no, his girlfriend wasn’t a virgin either; they would still be intimate sometimes when they had the opportunity. 

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He was a cool guy and all, but after that conversation, it was hard to see him as a friend. Reddit User: SantoWest

My Wife Is Sick

One day, I meet a guy from a hookup site. We have a great time, but something seems off. He denies being married multiple times, but my gut feeling is overriding it, so I don’t see him again. He then sends me all these messages about how he is married but his wife has MS and all about how badly he needs me.

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I ask if his wife has given him permission to play, and he says no and that asking her would be devastating for her; then he went into a rant about how hard his life is. What a selfish guy. Reddit User: gardengreenbacks 

It’s a Massage

One of my friends was with her boyfriend for about 6 or 7 months, and we went to party together and got chatting to a group of guys. I got on well with three in particular, so we sat together talking and my friend was chatting to another guy. I turned around, and she had her hand down his pants.

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I confronted her about it and asked what she was doing; her response was, “It’s not cheating, I was just giving him a massage.” Reddit User: justanothergirl1951